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File 911: Smile the While. . . .
Note: The World Wide Web is, like the web of a spider, ephemeral. Links shown below may have blown away, but, before giving up on them, be sure to check whether the articles can be located elsewhere via Google or have been preserved in the amber of the Internet Wayback Machine.
"Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell" (9/26/01). The Onion reports on the aftermath of the attacks.
Victor Davis Hanson, "What Should We Do? by Edward R. Murrow" (9/27/01). Suppose that American attitudes 60 years ago had been the same as today.  How would elite opinion have reacted to Pearl Harbor?
Michael Medved, "Zap! Have Fun and Help Defeat Terrorists, Too" (11/1/01). How making fun of the Tali-tubbies helps win the war
Bernard Kloss, "If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In the Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won" (11/7/01). No comment needed.
Michael Kelly, "Good Evening, and Welcome to 'All Is Lost'" (11/14/01). A parody of media negativism that reads like an NPR transcript.
Rand Simberg, "Media Casualties Mount as War Success Continues" (12/24/01). A visit to the metaphysical hospital where battered journalists are taken for treatment.
Andy Borowitz, "CIA Using Mariah Carey Film in al Qaeda Interrogations" (12/28/01). Now that really would be torture.
Victor Davis Hanson, "Parallel Universe" (2/15/02). What if al-Qaeda had destroyed the Eiffel Tower? Here is an account of the sophisticated European response.
Bill Smith, "An Act of Patriotism" (2/28/02). How buying one's suits at J. Press can lead to conscription as a foot soldier in the war against terrorism.
Fred Reed, "Florida, Hillary, and Airports" (5/27/02). If you're really going to get upset over profiling. . . .
Ruben Bolling, "What If Tom Daschle Were President in August 2001?" (5/30/02). A cartoonist imagines "President Daschle"'s reaction to vague FBI warnings.
Rand Simberg, "Administration Split on Europe Invasion" (8/20/02). "Washington, April 3, 1944 (Routers). Fissures are starting to appear in the formerly united front within the Roosevelt administration on the upcoming decision of whether, where and how to invade Europe. Some influential voices within both the Democrat and Republican parties are starting to question the wisdom of toppling Adolf Hitler's regime, and potentially destabilizing much of the region."
James Lileks, "An Interview with Scott Ritter, Restaurant Inspector" (9/18/02). "In your testimony you insisted - rather strenuously - that the city should forcibly inspect the restaurant again, or bulldoze it and jail the owner. Now you say the restaurant is, and I quote, 'one of the bright spots in the city's retinue of quality cafes.' This, despite the fact that health inspectors have been waved off at gunpoint for nearly half a decade. Could you explain your change in position?"
Rand Simberg, "Glossary" (1/31/03). A translation guide for those trying to understand what The New York Times says about the War on Terror, e. g., "going it alone" means "Taking action in concert with numerous European and Middle-Eastern nations, and others around the globe, but without France and Germany."
Scrappleface, "Recalling Waco, Reno Slams Bush for Stalling" (3/18/03). "Former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, recalling her handling of the Waco siege, said today that if she were president, Iraq would be engulfed in flames by now."
L. F. Destouches, "La (Nouvelle) Marseillaise" (3/21/03). "Allons enfants de la patrie, Rendons-nous encore détestés!"
Mark Steyn, "They Dominate the Air, But the Media Can't Win" (3/29/03). "After little more than a week, is this war coverage in trouble? Already questions are being raised about whether the media's plan was fatally flawed. Several analysts are surprised that, despite overwhelming dominance of the air, television and radio divisions have so quickly repeated the mistakes of Afghanistan. Meanwhile, on the ground, rapidly advancing columns become stalled in Vietnam-style quagmires around the second paragraph."
Andrew Coyne, "Canada on Iraq: A Clarification" (3/31/03). "Let us be clear. We are in favour of UN resolutions but against their enforcement; against the use of force but in favour of the threat of it; against fighting the war, but in favour of winning it. This is part of Canada's unique national identity. Other countries may support the war without participating in it. Only Canada is participating without supporting it."
Jim Caple, "A Real YES Man" (4/15/03). The former Iraqi Information Minister takes up a post-Saddam career as a Yankees' announcer. "We have the infidels just where we want them! Manager Joe Torre has cleverly led the scarlet-hosed stooges into a noose from which there is no escape! The Red Sox child general manager Epstein has dispatched his players on a suicide mission! We shall humble this New England gang of villains and leave their bones to dry in the desert sun as a warning to our enemies! Praise Steinbrenner!"
The Weekly Standard, "Ye Newe York Times Reports on Post-War Difficulties Following Victory at Yorktown" (4/26/03). "Three Weeks After Yorktown, Still No Constitution Ready" and other headlines.
Brandon Crocker, "News from the Front" (6/24/03). "More than two months after the fall of Baghdad, diplomats in Paris, Berlin, and Moscow are reportedly fearing a loss of credibility as evidence of American and British expropriation of Iraqi oil fields has yet to be unearthed. Indeed, not a single oil well has yet been discovered that has been secreted away by Exxon-Mobil, BP Amoco, or any other American or British oil conglomerate. 'This has the potential of being very embarrassing. After telling the world that this war was all about America seizing Iraqi oil, our credibility is on the line,' stated one unnamed high- ranking Belgian official."
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